My Breast Cancer Story Frt. Adrienne

Introduction: My name is Adrienne. I have lived with MS for 5 years. Despite it hardening my life, I finished my studies at uni as a Web Designer and UX/UI Designer. I had a traumatic child and adulthood, but it seemed at my thirties it became more relaxed, and I have a loving place to start working on my dreams. Nothing special, just to have a job that I like, start painting and writing again (I had a massive artist's block).

Diagnosis: After graduation, I felt I had conquered MS and the world was mine, finally! I accepted MS and I didn't think of myself as a sick person anymore. I had the most fantastic summer ever in my life. On the fifth of November, I found a lump in my my right breast. Immediately, I felt this was something awful. My tears started to fall, despite everybody trying to cheer me up that it could be a cyst or just mastitis. I had a core biopsy which showed that it was a malignant tumor. I was only 33 years old. I felt (heart)broken, devastated, and utterly tired of everything. This was too much. I always had dark humour; I believe many times it saved my sanity. I thought that sometimes soon the doctors would help to end this ménage à trois, and I could be with only MS. Or I have a point-collecting card with these deadly illnesses, and I will get a gold casket. But inside, at nights, I felt inconsolable and tried to gather enough strength to start everything again. Sometimes I wished to be hit by a tram, and finally, I would never be sick again...

Treatment Journey: I was diagnosed with an early-stage ER-positive breast cancer. I had a 1% chance of going through chemo, but my uwas so aggressive that I had to undergo it. I started with the red devil; I felt miserable and suffered a lot, especially with taxane, the second type. MS and chemo are deadly together. I was in such pain that many times I couldn't even scream from it; just to exist was painful. More than a year later, I still have some slowly-healing side effects from chemo. I didn't lose weight during chemo; I did it before, when I was crying and anxious about to start the hormone-blocking treatment. I didn't want to go through early menopause; I'm too young for this! In the end, I accepted it, and I still hate it, but I try everything to bring the old myself back. I also had radiotherapy, which left my breast still stiff and painful. I'm not sure I can get a reconstruction surgery ever. When I was so down, dresses and makeuphelped me to stay in one piece.

Life After Breast Cancer: I had to mourn who I was before cancer. I will never get her back. I lost two years. AI took over all the junior positions that I could apply for. I still have fatigue, nothing to compare to when I only had MS. The chemo and hormone-blockings made brain fog that I was scared it would never go away. Then, slowly, it started to dissolve. Step by step, I could be more productive. My memory slowly improved. I started to learn how to live again and not hate my "new" me. I started to write again: poems, short stories, and working on my memoir and my full illness journey.

Lesson Learned: I will be honest. Sometimes there are no reasons or lessons when it comes to illnesses. Sometimes shit just happens, and you have to deal with it. Not only survive, but try to keep or find again the quality in your life. But there are indeed certain things that cancer pushed me on a fast track for. I looked into that abyss a second time, and I felt I had no time to mess around. During my sufferings during chemo, I could only hang on my inner artist. I realized, this is me; this is what I want: to do art, to wear crazy outfits, to be around people whom I love. I have no more time to be a people-pleaser, because nobody really cares. Whoever does, they don't need this type of behaviour; they love me whoever I am.   

Words of Encouragements:  I would love to say things like 'Everything will be fine' or 'You will be better than before' and some toxic positive sentences. I would rather say, things will be different; sometimes you won't recognise who you are. You have to find yourself again, and if it wasn't as hard as the situation that you are in, you should get to know and get in peace with yourself, because you will live your life with yourself. Sometimes you feel you don't want to live. It's okay. It's okay to feel sad. Give space to all kinds of feelings. Let them be felt and noticed. Give a hug to yourself. Then you will start to feel peace and emptiness. Emptiness that you can fill up whatever you would like and like to do. You rise from your ashes. Again... and again, if you can find a goal that's worth all this mess. And most importantly, you are not alone, and being sick isn't your fault. 

Business & Advocacy:I have my BC&MS driary at Instagram, where I shared my journey, experience, smiles and tears.  IG @indoline_issue