I Am Not Alone

My name is Paula. I am a woman of God, grandmother, mother, daughter friend, registered nurse and STAGE 2 breast cancer survivor.

Here is my story...

My treatments were surgery, chemo and radiation. The whole plan took about 10 months to complete.

JUNE 2015

Due to my age I was already getting yearly mammograms and doing breast exams. I never checked my armpits. I do now. Here is why.

While doing exercises for a recent knee surgery I noticed a sore muscle between my right breast and arm pit. While feeling around, I discovered a large round lump in my right arm pit. It turned out to be breast cancer that had spread from my milk duct on my right breast. The lump in my breast was not detectable by massaging.

A repeat mammogram showed a lump in my right milk duct and a tumor in the lymph node to my right armpit. A biopsy followed. Since this was around the 4th of July and it was hard to get anything done with everyone on vacation. I was so impatient. My mammogram doctor did the biopsy in her office after the 4th. Nothing could have prepared me for the day I got the call from the doctor. "Its metastatic cancer". (Meaning it spread from the primary site)I literally felt like I had been punched in the pit of my stomach. I felt like I was being chased by a LION or some kind of MONSTER that I couldn't see. That feeling that I wanted to get rid of. My mom and I stood in the Kitchen. I told her "we are going to be okay" God will take care of us... (My dad had recently died of a horrible neurological illness and we were

overwhelmed already with the changes that had made, and additionally lost two uncles and a sister in law. I was worried how this would affect my family as this happened all in a short period of time less than two years. My children had already lost their father in 2009. I had to fight.)

As an emergency room nurse, I didn't know the current treatments for cancer and I was relieved to see that a cure was possible. I had numerous appointments and tests to confirm and figure out how bad it was. I found out my cancer was very aggressive. I had received a clean mammogram just 10 months prior and the lump in my armpit was the size of an avocado seed. Waiting was the worst for me and I was losing weight. Since I was already overweight this wasn't putting me in harm's way. A body scan revealed that it hadn't gone anywhere else. I praised God. The nurse practitioner was surprised as the size of the lymph node was impressive. I thank God for the muscular pain that made me feel my arm pit. Before my mastectomy, the nipple on my right breast had already started to turn grey! For me the mastectomy couldn't come fast enough. I wanted the cancer out. I was impatient.

The surgeon got all the cancer. I decided to have a modified radical mastectomy. My whole breast and all lymph nodes were removed. There were drains that I had to take care of. This recovery lasted about 5 weeks. I will eventually get reconstruction when I have money for the deductible. I have had two other unexpected surgeries (not related to cancer).

Chemo caused me to lose my hair. I had a haircutting party when it started to fall out. This gave me control. We laughed as my daughter tried different hair styles out on me even a Mohawk. Food tasted blah and due to low counts I had to stop eating fresh fruit and veggies and caused me to wear a mask. I was fortunate to not have vomiting as I had three anti nausea meds to take. Diarrhea that came "Unannounced" followed by horrible constipation was my biggest stomach problem. But, I made it and my hair grew back. Low counts also required me to have a blood transfusion. My grandchildren were affected and afraid as well. My son was stationed over- seas in the Army and my daughter graduating from nursing school.

Radiation was not painful in the beginning just that it was a daily trip 35 miles from my home for a month. I met many nice people in the lobby that were able to give each other hope. I did have burns from this. They healed very quickly.

I had financial woes and I am still paying for medical bills. I was turned over to collections by two places EVEN while I was making payments. But that's okay. Because one of them forgave some of the cost. God took care of me. I set up a "Go Fund Me" account and also cashed in some of a 401K to live off of and pay for my insurance premiums. I couldn't work. AS a nurse my mind was not safe. The side effects of chemo made my mind sluggish. One example I remember was making a grilled cheese sandwich with the plastic wrap still on it. I still laugh at that.

I had days where I didn't get out of bed. I learned to let myself rest.

I drew a picture of what I thought the cancer looked like in my drawing book and cursed it out of my body.

HOPE

In the beginning, my emotions ran wild. My emotions went from sad, anger frustration, depression and then feelings of elation like" I am going to make it". Sleep was rare but when I did it was a relief from the nightmare I was experiencing. I would awaken in a panic.

I told as many people that would pray for me. I reached out and prayed for others. I didn't isolate myself. I went to church and was prayed for hands on . I was a recipient of a compassion bag from compassionthatcompels.org. A wonderful organization that brings hope. I donate to this company when I can. I went to their website and prayed for others. I went to a weekly free mediation group that was amazing. I attended church even with a mask. I said to myself everyday that I am a survivor. No matter how bad I felt, no matter how much fear invaded my mind, I kept going. I wrote in a journal most every day about how I felt. I carried and read about healing scriptures.

God and the Holy Spirit lifted me up out of the pit. I put my head face down on the bed and prayed for the Peace that surpasses all understanding that God's word told me I could have. And it was provided to me. It came.

LIFE TODAY

I have a stronger faith in God. I decided right away, that if death was in the plan, that I would accept that. But I was going to fight and believe in my healing.

I learned how wonderful people are. That there are great people in the world.

I learned to let people help me. I say yes more when someone offers to help. I no longer rob people of the need to feel needed and important. I say no when I need to without guilt.

FOR YOU

If you are going through this or any other life altering diagnosis, I urge you to not give up. Today's feelings of uncertainty will pass. Reach out and know that you are not alone. I pray for you right now for healing, peace and strength.

Paula Mathews

Philippians 4:7 (NIV)

7. "And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

1 Peter 2:24

24. " He himself bore our sins" in his body on the cross, so that we might die to sins and live for righteousness; "by his wounds you have been healed."

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